Tag: Silly

Not going viral, I’m not a damn pinup

March 17th, 2023

My wife and I were talking about how horrible it would be if the post “My Hair Is Up Here” went viral. The one where I look like a beached whale with strategically placed cat.

I don’t know why some people like being viral. It looks horrifying. Anything you get out of it is a devil’s bargain.

I would have to put the blog on hiatus and get off the grid till it blew over. I want to write. I don’t want to talk to “media” about my looks.

I want to get famous for my mind not my body.

Right wing media would be like, “So this is what liberal culture has come to.” I don’t know what lefties would do, but they’re so mean to one another I don’t want to know. They are a feisty bunch.

Please don’t look. I’m having fun with this blog.
Murph!

March 16th, 2023

Bowling for Soup – Getting Old Sucks (But Everybody’s Doing It)

I’ve mentioned before that my sneezes have changed into nonsense words. I plead allergies. More “old man noises” for my wife to make fun of and be grossed out by. (The one she really hates sounds kinda like “Buuuuicccckkkpttt!”

Today I realized I’ve developed a grunt vocabulary. Every old person has one of those. You can’t just quietly get out of a chair anymore. My grandmother used to go “Wheee!”

I used to have the standard “Umph!”

But lately it’s been coming out “Murph!” I was trying to yank my side of the blanket out from under my wife last night and it came out “Murph! Murph! Murph!” Till I yanked it loose.

I swear didn’t steal that from Interstellar, but I can’t help but think of it. Hearing Matthew McConaughey go “Murph! Murph! Murph!” made me snicker at all the wrong times.

You know he’s gonna make that noise when he gets old.
My ‘do nothing’ pet

March 16th, 2023

I loved gardening as a kid, but I have a bad back and I don’t know how to grow anything around here.

The soil might as well be on the moon and the weather is crazy. But I do know how to compost.

I learned it from Dad, although he was much better at it. He would have those compost piles smokin’. I’m in the city, but some country boy ways never leave. You don’t put that stuff down the sink, you put it in the ground.

Now it occurs to me I’ve created a pet. A shaggy, too-dirty-to-come-inside pet. When it’s healthy it smells the forest floor. When it isn’t, it smells like the garbage disposal. I feed it the food it needs and it starts smelling happy again.

It stays in the back yard and doesn’t do much of anything. Except it does. Slowly.

It’s like a really boring dog that Nigel doesn’t hate. A dog made out of lawn clippings and kitchen scraps.

It’s not a demanding pet, and it’s easier to keep alive than a jar of sea monkeys. Or the toads like the ones I used to keep in a terrarium once. (Poor toads. You deserved better.)

Whenever I can I feed and water it. Nigel pees on it.

It shows its gratitude by getting smaller.

It may not be as exciting as a dog or cat, or the rare sea monkeys that actually hatch, but I raised it and I have a responsibility to care for it. (Sorry toads from when I was a kid.)

Digging through YouTube looking for compost songs and most of them were just too ridiculous. So is this, but I can’t resist. Apparently Lorraine Bowen is a minor celebrity in Britain. She’s been on Britain’s Got Talent and other shows. Go through her channel. She is very good at ridiculous!
‘My hair is up here’

March 14th, 2023

Using this cuz my wife hates Morrissey and he cares a lot more about hairdos than me. Plus he may be an asshat, but I will never not like the Smiths.

So my wife walked into the kitchen totally naked and said, “I want you to say something nice about my hair.”

She got her hair done this afternoon and I forgot. I always forget to notice until she points it out.

“It’s great,” I said. “It’s you.”

She said “My eyes are up here.”

I said, “Yes, they did a great job on your hair.”

The compliment didn’t count because I wasn’t focused.

I said, “Your hair was not going to be the first thing I noticed when you came into the kitchen naked.”

Which she admitted. It’s like when she took a picture she took of our cat (RIP Neko), who was sitting on the bed – barely hiding my junk while my bloated ass did the French Girl pose.

She said “I just wanted to tell you I got my hair done since you didn’t notice.” I said “You might have found a better time to tell me that.”

Since I don’t care much about hairdos or clothes, I reckon she has to be blunt if she wants me to notice, but naked in the kitchen was probably overkill.

The cat is NOT the first thing you see when you look at that screen!

#Hair, #Marriage, #Relationships
What makes you the bad guy?

March 8th, 2023

Hypothetically, if your wife caught you doing something dumb (like leaving a cardboard box on the stove while it was still hot), how much is the “I had a dumb” excuse worth?

#Conundrums, #Guilt, #Innocence, #Mistakes, #Screwups
Ahoofamoo!

March 5th, 2023

I just sneezed so loud I think my wife nearly shit herself. I sneeze often (photic sneezer) and it’s explosive.

I’ve set off car alarms. I made a boy drop his hamburger at McDonalds. People hate it, but it sucks for me too.

I sneezed my face into a trashcan once. I thought I got punched by a ghost. Ouch!

Strange thing has happened lately. My sneezes evolved from “Achoo” into Ahoofamoo!” And sometimes “Ahoofamanoo!” My wife thinks I do it on purpose, but I swear to God that’s just how it happens.

She says she believes me, but I can see the look in her eye!

#Sneeze, #Marriage, #Relationships
It’s Boxing Day!

March 4th, 2023

Check it out. Boxing gloves! Quiere combate?
#DadJokes, #BoxingDay
Now I get it! There was no pie either!

March 4th, 2023

I just solved a Conundrum. My wife couldn’t figure out what to eat for breakfast, so I said, “You want some cake?”

She said “We don’t have any cake!” (We eated it, so we no has.)

I was like, Oh snap! Now I get why they were mad at Marie Antoinette. There was no cake! And no pie. (They thought she ated it, and they no had.)

Humans get grumpy when no breakfast!

#Conundrums, #DadJokes, #MarieAntoinette, #History