Judee Sill – Enchanted Sky Machines (live)

“I wasn’t even supposed to be here!” I thought on the first day of the lockdown, and I laughed and laughed, because because I fully expected to be Raptured as a teenager on Jan. 1, 1984.

Now here I was in my late 50s, waiting for a plague that had everyone emptying shelves and crowding into gun stores. I felt like the guy in Clerks who came in on his day off, only to face one disaster after another.

If I got left behind, so did y’all

Daniel Knox – Armageddonsong

My little Baptist church was having a New Year’s Eve party (no alcohol) on Dec. 31, 1983. We’d had a good potluck in the Fellowship Hall and were holding hands, standing in a circle. We had finished singing “Blessed Be the Tie that Binds” and someone began counting down from 10.

Time to pack up dishes and say our goodbyes. I thought about waiting, in case Jesus was on Mountain or Pacific, but I knew there was no point. I felt like a complete fool.

The Summer Camp Preacher

Jill Tracy – Doomsday Serenade

My Rapture obsession started on the last night of my last year of church camp. I was sitting in the tabernacle with a bunch of other kids my age and younger. A thunderstorm was brewing and the air was still and humid.

The preacher told us we’d better be ready. Stores were installing equipment to read Number of the Beast barcode tats. Rock music and Dungeons and Dragons were preparing children for the Antichrist. There was trouble in the Middle East and America and Russia were ready to fight that final battle.

The Rapture was coming. You would either meet Jesus in the air or be left behind to live through the Time of Tribulation. “Do not miss the Rapture,” he said, preparing for the Invitation. “But if you do, don’t say we didn’t warn you!”

Bob Marley and the Wailers – Midnight Ravers

You could try being one of the 144,000 martyrs who defied the Beast, but your suffering would be horrific. At least there was a loophole, I thought, but he had me rattled. What if I had only fooled myself and I wasn’t saved?

We held hands as the pianist played, “I Have Decided to Follow Jesus.” I liked holding hands with the girl next to me. She was cute. Which worried me even more. Thinking about girls at a time like this?

Suddenly there was a loud crack of thunder, and rain pounded the metal roof. The cute girl let go of my hand and headed to the front. Others followed and I joined them. I said the right words, prayed with a counselor and filled out a card.

I don’t think my hometown preacher liked the sermon. He asked a lot of questions. But I knew what to say. A week later, I had my third baptism – or was it the fourth? (Pro-tip: Always check your pockets before you get baptized. Lost a good wallet.)

So over it…

Meat Beat Manifesto – Paradise Now

When the Rapture failed to happen on the night I’d chosen, my end of the world mania stopped. I quit accepting everything the preachers said. I didn’t want to hear any more theories about the End Times. It would happen or it wouldn’t.

I resented the summer camp preacher. That was a shitty way to treat children. I bet he created a lot of future atheists. It was over the top, but it worked for a reason. I grew up surrounded by that kind of talk.

We watched films where people vanished, leaving only clothes and shocked sinners If something scary happened in the world, people would shake their heads and go, “Wars and rumors of wars.” They’d talk about their theories in Sunday School. Would the Time of Tribulation come before or after the Rapture?

But the verse about how “no one knows the day or the hour” (Matthew 24:36) kept it from getting out of hand. You didn’t have to figure it out. It was just “soon.” They didn’t sell their shit and kept going to work like regular people.

Beam me up Scotty

I could have done without that particular religious trauma, but I understand why Christians get excited about the Rapture. You know the saying, “Everybody wants go to heaven but nobody wants to die.” Wouldn’t you rather go to heaven in a whirlwind like Elijah than die of cancer?

I know why I fell for it. It wasn’t just the camp preacher if I’m honest. I was stressed out, worried about the future. The Cold War was stressful. Everyone had a nuke with his name on it.

Even worse, I was about to graduate high school and had no idea who I was or what to do with my life. If the world ended, I would be off the hook. Too bad though, I had to figure it out.

Now the world is in a bigger mess than it was in ’84. Lots of man-made apocalypses coming down the pike – climate change, political and economic instability and out of control AI.

I don’t know how the hell I’m going to deal with all that. I’d like nothing more than to have Scotty beam me up, but I learned my lesson. The earth will always be my home, like it or not. I have to figure it out. We all do.