The Who – I Can’t Explain

It’s true that I’ve been dealing with joint and muscle pains that make it hard to write, but that’s not the real reason I haven’t posted much over the last few weeks.

Truth is, I’ve been constipated. Mentally constipated.

I’ve been trying to express some complicated thoughts that are just not coming together. As a matter of fact I have been writing. I just haven’t been finishing. I get two thirds of the way through a post and realize I’m stuck.

There is a general theme: What to keep, what to discard? I come from the country. I had a connection to the land once. I shared the religion and politics of the people in rural Texas and the broader South. Today, I very much do not.

I’m educated, progressive, “cultured.” I live in the city. I thought I had left it all behind. But something in me doesn’t let me forget. I think of old songs and get a lump in my throat. I dream of the hills, the wildlife, the cattle. The stories I was told. I remember Trivial Pursuit with my favorite preacher. I remember the old farmers and their wives’ casseroles.

How to explain to the people I identify with most today why I still care about those people? People whose politics threaten their very existence? Those who are being targeted by reactionary politics have every right to be angry.

I just can’t help thinking it would be a mistake to let it all go. That culture made me who I am. There has to be something of value. Some wisdom that can be extracted.

I’m still mildly constipated, but deep down I’m still working on the problem. Those thoughts want out. It’ll happen sooner or later.